June 14, 2004

“It’s My Third Party and

“It’s My Third Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To”

Ralph Nader is always nattering on about something or other. If it’s not the evil corporations that are destroying the world, it’s the disgraceful selling out of the National Baseball League. In fact, regarding entertainers with glass eyes, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” find Sammy Davis Jr. far more appealing. If it’s between grousing about the purported sins of capitalism or “The Candy Man,” we’ll take "The Candy Man" virtually every time. And not only because he sprinkles it with love.

When the esteemed Mr. Nader isn’t bleating about the inequities of “The System,” he’s whining about the patent unfairness of America’s two major political parties. For those of you who hail from Singapore and thus do not understand the intricacies of American electoral politics (or, for those American children who have just graduated from high school), let us inform you that the main camps are that of the Democrats and that of the Republicans.

According to Mr. Nader, there’s nary a difference between them. And sure, he has a point: Last we checked, the Democratic and Republican Party Platforms espoused the exact same views on abortion, Affirmative Action, hate crimes, socialized health-care, the estate tax, &c. As such, we, the American people, need a party that has really distinctive qualities.

Mr. Nader appears to believe that so-called Third Parties will prove a panacea, and will usher in a period of peace, prosperity, equity, and overall grandeur previously unknown to the citizens of what R. Buckminster Fuller archly called “our spaceship earth.”

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” aren’t entirely certain that this is so. In fact, we have the sneaking suspicion that Mr. Nader, when he is declaring “Third Parties” to be the world’s savior, actually means “Ralph Nader will be the world’s savior.” Call it a hunch.

Anyway, we decided to investigate a few of America’s “Third Parties,” to see what the average Joe and Josephine—who has been gulled into voting for such similar characters as Al Sharpton and Orrin Hatch—is missing.

We’ll be kind and disregard such absurd political movements as the “Christian Falangist Party of America,” which aims to follow the diktats of the deceased fascist Francisco Franco. (But don’t mix it up with the “American Falangist Party,” which is an entirely different group.) And we’ll even pass over the “U.S. Pacifist Party,” as it’s just a passel of wimps. Nor shall we stoop so low as to discuss the “Libertarian National Socialist Green Party,” which surely must be some kind of cruel—and obnoxious—joke.

No, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” aim to dilate on a more serious and earnest party than the “Pansexual Peace Party.” How about “The Light Party”? It seems like a fairly solemn and down-to-earth political group.

The founder of The Light Party, who also fashions himself an “artist,” is a fellow called Da Vid. According to its magnificent web-site, “The Light Party is a synthesis of the Republican, Democratic, Libertarian and Green Parties, is a proactive wholistic [sic], educational, empowerment [sic] party.”

Now, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” know what you are thinking, dear reader: That’s a fairly capacious description. If The Light Party truly amounts to such a synthesis, perhaps it has received the withering scorn of Mr. Nader, who wants Americans to have more political choices, not fewer.

For those of you unclear as to how The Light Party endeavors to synthesize the views of such disparate political parties, we should note that Da Vid favors socialized health-care, organic victuals, solar power, nuclear disarmament, holistic healing, and…a flat tax. Eat your heart out, Steve Forbes!

Clearly, The Light Party is a force to be reckoned with. It is a sad state of affairs when the mainstream media—which, like those benighted Democrats and Republicans, are the puppets of evil corporations—overlook Da Vid and his important political views.

Perhaps there is some solace in the fact that although Da Vid’s Light Party won’t be featured on ABC anytime soon, its accompanying New Age CD is reported to be a real scorcher. We hear it’s even better than “Ralph Nader: Unplugged.” And, when Mr. Nader is at the microphone, just about nothing is more heavenly than finding out that it’s unplugged.

Posted at June 14, 2004 12:01 PM | TrackBack