June 23, 2004

The Modern Guide to Life,

The Modern Guide to Life, or “Do You Remember the One When George…?”

Recently, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have taken to pondering some of the deeper issues that affect humanity: Death, war, Chipper Jones. During the course of our fevered reflections, a rather salient—if rather depressing—thought occurred to us.

For the ancient Greeks, Homer’s majestic Iliad and Odyssey served as veritable guidebooks for those yearning to live a good and honorable life. In the past, the Bible and the Koran have served a similar purpose for countless Jews, Christians, and Mohammedans. For 1960s radicals, copies of “The Greening of America” and “How to Cure Yourself of Sundry Sexually-Transmitted Diseases” played a kindred role.

But today, dear reader, these important tomes appear to have lost much of their appeal among manifold Americans. Instead of employing the Bible as one’s spiritual guide, most citizens of the good ole’ USA seem to prefer using episodes of “Seinfeld.”

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” know what you are thinking, dear reader: This statement is hyperbole. To which we respond: That reminds us of the episode in which Kramer was in a fight with George, blah, blah, blah.

And here, dear reader, is our point: It is virtually impossible to discuss any interesting phenomenon that has occurred in your everyday life with an acquaintance and not hear a rejoinder that begins: “That reminds me of the ‘Seinfeld’ episode when….”

Call us a pack of popinjays, but we find this a mite depressing. After all, it is difficult to live with the fact that we can’t undertake any task that has not already been completed by Jerry, George, Elaine, Kramer, et al. In addition, their version of this labor was surely seen through with more canned laughter and poofier hair.

Want to cure Cancer? Kramer already did that in season three. Aim to bring about world peace? Tough luck: Elaine beat you to it.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” hope that this evaluation of modern life doesn’t lead anyone to wander through life aimlessly, certain that he can’t accomplish anything that hasn’t been trail blazed by, say, Newman.

After all, there’s probably an episode of “Seinfeld” about that too.

Posted at June 23, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack