July 21, 2004
Rome and America, A Quick
Rome and America, A Quick Comparison
As our regular readers must know by now, a few of our staff members of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”—let’s just call them “Chip”—are spending their lengthy vacations in far-flung Rome (IT), home of some of the world’s most unhygienic people. These intrepid explorers, after weeks of intrepid exploring, have complied a list of things that are better in Rome than they are in the United States, so that those readers who are unlucky enough to be stuck in North America can get some sense of the delights that await them in the Mediterranean area.In order to fill out this survey, our men and women in Rome also decided to list the things that are far superior in America, so that those readers who are lucky enough to be stuck in North America can get some sense of the horrors that await them in the Mediterranean area.
Without further ado, then, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” proudly present our official lists. (And yes, this will be on the final exam.)
List the First: Things That Are Better in Rome Than They Are in America
1. Pizza
2. Ice-cream
3. Ancient Ruins
List the Second: Things That Are Better in America Than They Are in Rome
1. Everything else
Well, dear reader, there you have it: The official list. We know what some of you are thinking: The crack young staff, a passel of jingoes that it is, has insulted the beautiful city of Rome by concluding that America is far superior to the former capitol of the West in almost every way. After all, things ain’t exactly heavenly in Butner (NC). And don’t even get us started on Branson (MI).
To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” respond: That’s a bunch of arrant nonsense. First, the two things that are manifestly superior in Rome are hardly nugatory. Take, for example, ice-cream. In Rome, one need not feel barraged by Ben & Jerry and their noxious brand of “feel good capitalism” in order to enjoy a delicious desert. When one purchases a cone, there’s no promise that your $5.50 will be spent helping the Rain Forest. The flavors, moreover, are not named after irksome hippy-rock singers.
Rather, a pleasant fellow wearing a charming paper hat simply hands you what you want, without the whole pseudo-moral blather. In short, there’s no hard sell for your soft serve. Instead, you can enjoy some superior ice-cream, “Grateful Dead” be darned.
Although this might seem trifling to some, it isn’t. The gelato in Rome is simply magical. Now, if we could only teach these people what deodorant is…
