August 31, 2004
Count Every Vote…For Us We,
Count Every Vote…For Us
We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” hate to revisit the brouhaha that erupted in Dade County (FL) in 2000. Frankly, we are sick and tired of listening to Democrats caterwaul about President Bush “stealing” the election by means of the U.S. Supreme Court. We mean, come on: If you were going to steal something, would you really bring Ruth Bader Ginsburg along for the ride? Even if she were wearing a ski mask?As far as we’re concerned, the 2000 election is officially old news: No one but Al Gore should care about it, and no one should care about Al Gore. Not even Tipper.
Still, months of reporting on the vicissitudes of the current presidential campaign have compelled us to reflect anew on the fervor with which Democratic partisans harped about the necessity of “letting every vote count.” Naturally, by “letting every vote count,” the Democrats meant “fishing through piles of ballots until enough votes could be manufactured for Al Gore.”
But let us be kind, dear reader, and assume that our friends on the Left were earnestly calling for the counting of every ballot in a non-partisan fashion. If this is so, surely the Democrats’ actions regarding the current Ralph Nader campaign seem odd.
Now, don’t get us wrong, dear reader: We are not big fans of Mr. Nader, as it is hard to tell whether his paranoia is larger than his megalomania. We think it’s the reverse, but we’re not sure. As far as one-eyed Semites go, we much prefer the late Sammy Davis, Jr.
Yet it has amused us that so many Democratic partisans have done their best to ensure that thousands of citizens—who have signed petitions to allow Mr. Nader on their home state’s ballots—do not get their wishes. It seems as if “letting every vote count” merely refers to every “Democratic Party vote.”
None of these thoughts, you may be saying to yourself, is particularly novel. And, to be sure, pundits have nattered on about these matters for months. We’re very far behind the talking heads on this one.
Yet the recent electoral fiasco in Venezuela, in which it appears as if Castro-in-training Hugo Chavez has manufactured a stunning victory, has led us to consider how the Democratic Party might streamline its wholehearted embrace of “letting every vote count.”
We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” humbly suggest that the Democratic Party invent its own Ferdinand Marcos Voting Machines. These babies make voting Democrat far, far easier than those infamous butterfly ballots. In fact, thanks to the Ferdinand Marcos Voting Machines one can only vote Democrat.
Naturally, Jimmy Carter would be enraptured by such contraptions, and claim that he recommended that his pal, the late Nicolae Ceausescu, use similar devices. John Kerry, moreover, can get the same percentage of the popular vote that Saddam Hussein did in his last election.
It all makes a lot of sense, actually: Since the Democrats believe that they know how to run everyone’s life much better, they might as well vote for them all, too.
