September 03, 2004

World War VIII: This Time,

World War VIII: This Time, It’s Personal

Some staff members here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” have been eagerly taking in the most recent number of Commentary, which features a lengthy article by Norman Podhoretz. In said article, Mr. Podhoretz refers to the names that he and Eliot Cohen—another fancy-pants intellectual—use for the Cold War and the War on Terrorism. To these intellectual luminaries, the former is World War III, and the latter World War IV.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” were very impressed by these appellations. In fact, we figured that this tactic of granting wars one’s original nomenclature was a key element of public-intellectual stardom. Even our friends on the Left, who probably refer to Messrs. Cohen and Podhoretz as a couple of “uppity Zionist oppressors,” must admit that World War III and World War IV are clever titles.

As such, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” didn’t want to get left out. As we reported some time ago, we have had a hankering to become famous public intellectuals ourselves—the kinds of guys who wear more hair dye than Steve Emerson and write tomes with three words per page.

Accordingly, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have decided to devote today’s edition of our infinitely popular “weblog” to giving our own stamp to future wars. That way, when these wars occur, everyone in-the-know will have to refer to our fashionable nomenclature.

So, without further ado, dear reader, we are as happy as greengrocers with bananas to present:

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Titles for Future Wars:

World War V: Debbie vs. Dallas
World War VI: Attack of the Killer Bunny Rabbits
World War VII: The Wrath of Neo-Khan
World War VIII: Reality vs. Michael Moore
World War IX: Revenge of the Kurds
World War X: Fiji vs. Greenland in a Cage Match
World War XI: William Saffire takes on Maureen Dowd
World War XII: Teen Wolf Too

These are just a few titles we are kicking around at the office. And we could go on… provided you don’t care that the names are funny.

Posted at September 3, 2004 01:01 AM | TrackBack