October 04, 2004
“Rock” the Vote? No Thanks.
“Rock” the Vote? No Thanks.
We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have never been devotees of MTV, the cable television station with the uproariously ill-suited name “Music Television.” Whether it plays “music videos” or Generation-Y “reality shows,” we find it a noxious eyesore (and earsore).Every four years, however, MTV proves particularly irksome. And why, you ask, is this? Well, in addition to the network’s usual glorification of teen-age fornication, MTV offers its platitudinous “Rock the Vote” campaign.
This exercise in foolishness attempts to browbeat youngsters into voting in the upcoming presidential election. Although MTV is not so gauche as to mention this explicitly, the network would clearly prefer its viewers to vote Democrat.
Though MTV labels this ridiculous campaign “Rock the Vote,” perhaps “Stone the Vote” would be more appropriate, if you catch our oblique reference to recreational druggery.
In order to make sure the drooling, bong-clutching ne’er-do-wells who watch MTV actually head to the polls, the station presents numerous commercials starring manifold rock music stars who pretend to care if the viewing audience votes.
Those tuned in to MTV, we presume, believe that the rock stars in question are paragons of civic responsibility: Directly after they destroy their hotel room at the Hilton by burning a goat alive, they dutifully head to the polls, like any good American.
Some of our dear readers may be saying to themselves: What’s wrong if MTV tries to get a few more people involved in the political process? To which we respond: Anyone who needs to be prodded into voting by Sean “P. Diddily” Combs ought not vote in the first place.
We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” do not believe that we are going too far out on a limb by suggesting that many MTV viewers are chuckleheads. In fact, many of the entertainers who appear on the network are probably even dimmer.
It is, we think, highly unlikely that a youngster who headed to the polls thanks to the efforts of Kid Rock has a firm grasp on political affairs. We can imagine such a fellow saying to himself: “I am deeply concerned about America’s increasing reliance on President Musharraf in the War on Terrorism—especially since Musharraf has autocratic tendencies, and is unlikely to hand over his control of the Pakistani army to someone else. And Kid Rock says voting is cool. So I ought to do it.”
Sounds rather far-fetched, doesn’t it? We think so. As a result, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” will go on record today as being staunchly opposed to “Rocking the Vote.” We are also against “Swinging the Vote.” And, just in case our friends on the Left want to pull another Florida fiasco, we’re against “Tampering with the Vote,” too.
