October 27, 2004
No Cruor for Petroleum Many
No Cruor for Petroleum
Many of our friends on the political Left have become tired of the cheap sloganeering to be found bandied about by some of their ideological comrades. Although they are die-hard Kerry supporters who are as unlikely to switch their political allegiances as the Massachusetts Senator is to move his forehead, they consider the various catchy mottos of the radical Left a bit bromidic.Why, they collectively ask themselves, can’t left-wing activists offer T-shirts, bumper stickers, and hats with more nuanced messages?
This, dear reader, is where we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” come in. Our Official Nuanced Left-Wing Slogan Department has been working hard to make sure that our friends on the political Left can blithely brandish mottos that demonstrate a sufficient degree of complexity.
In order to craft these new slogans, our Official Nuanced Left-Wing Slogan Department has taken previously existing left-wing bromides, and fashioned more intellectual variants from them. If our Official “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Silk-Screening Department ever gets some funds together, we’re pretty sure we’ll make a killing from these slogans.
Below, then, dear reader, you shall find a typical left-wing slogan, and our subtler version of this sentiment.
First off is that old faithful: Attack Iraq? No!
As almost everyone with a pulse knows, this sentiment, found on many a back bumper, is far too simplistic. After all, John Kerry may or may not agree with it, depending on which day you ask him.
As a result, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” suggest replacing it with this catchy hook: Attack Iraq? Maybe! Let Me Get a Focus Group Together and I’ll Tell You Where I Stand.
Not only is that fetching, it’s faithful to the Democratic party line on this all-important issue.
With that out of the way, we can move on to another old faithful of the left-wing boilerplate department: No Blood for Oil.
We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have turned this phrase into the following winner: It Would Be Wrong to Fight a War Merely to Enrich American Oil Companies. Although Anyone with Even the Most Rudimentary Understanding of International Affairs Would Conclude that This was Not the Case with the American Liberation of Iraq, We Still Stand by it in Principle.
Frankly, as accurate as that is, we are beginning to have second thoughts about it: In order to fit that on a T-shirt, one would have to be use a rather small font. Or, we suppose, those clad in such shirts would have to be particularly heavy.
Anyway, let’s head to our next motto. The un-nuanced version reads: Some Village in Texas Has Lost Their [sic] Idiot.
We altered this to read: I am Attempting to Make a Vulgar “Village Idiot” Joke, But Ironically Possess Such a Limited Understanding of Grammar that I Cannot Do So without Making My Own Errors. Pretty catchy, n’est pas?
And then, dear reader, there’s the old standby: Kerry Edwards 2004: Make America Stronger.
We refashioned this to read: Kerry Edwards 2004: Make America Stronger by Downscaling the War on Terrorism to a Law-Enforcement Issue, and Listen More Intently to French Perspectives.
We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t want to toot our own collective horn, but we think that’s very fetching. In fact, we think we’ll send some of these slogan ideas to Yassir Arafat, Mahathir Mohammad, and other levelheaded Kerry supporters.
