October 29, 2004
We Must Have Very Different
We Must Have Very Different Dreams
We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t suppose that our readership is plebian enough to be regular viewers of the ESPN cable network. After all, given its incessantly highbrow humor, “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” must be treasured by those who consider sporting events appallingly vulgar. In fact, we may be losing some readers by deigning to discuss ESPN at all. We’ll chance it.Anyway, those who do not endure a steady diet of television may be unaware that ESPN—the self-proclaimed world-wide leader in sports—is hawking a relatively new program titled “Dream Job.”
And what, you may be eagerly asking yourself, is the “Dream Job” to which the show refers? Why, television sports caster, of course.
Now we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t want to come across as a bunch of snooty elitists, but may we humbly suggest that a career reading a teleprompter with mawkish enthusiasm doesn’t exactly constitute a “dream”—at least for anyone with an IQ over 80?
Whatever happened to a fellow’s youthful enthusiasm? The young used to yearn to change the world; now they want to lather on make-up and expatiate on the New York Mets. Even juvenile flirtations with Communism are better than the New York Mets.
It seems to us, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” as if the lone pleasure one can garner from such an occupation is the occasional coining of a new hip sports catch phrase. You know, like “Boo-Yah,” or “He…could…go…all…the…way,” or “Homerun.”
Well, we suppose that there are some other impressive perquisites. Copious amounts of free hair spray, for one. And a lifetime supply of free suits to be worn on air. (On a related note, has anyone else noticed that the ex-athletes who appear on ESPN all seem to be dressed like lottery winners? It’s as if they all shop at a store called “Expensive Suits for People without Anything Even Faintly Resembling Taste.”)
To those of you who consider hum-drum days of reading cue-cards with ersatz enthusiasm an occupational fantasy, we humbly suggest you consider some other 9-to-5s. How about a college professor? Sure, the clothing isn’t as good, and you have to spend at least an hour a week with those irritants people call “students.” But you get access to a free Xerox machine.
