November 02, 2004

Either Vote, or Don’t Well,

Either Vote, or Don’t

Well, dear reader, today, if you did not realize it, is election day. As we speak, millions of American citizens and illegal aliens will head to the poles and plump for the candidate of their choice.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t want to sully ourselves by endorsing a particular candidate for President of these here United States of America. After all, just like Jim Lehrer (or is that Tom Lehrer?), we’re professional journalists, and we wouldn’t want an official endorsement to hinder our humble “weblog’s” veneer of objectivity.

As a result, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” will simply tell you for whom not to vote. And then we’ll let you draw your own conclusions. Over the past few days, we here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” have set up an informal straw poll regarding the ineptness of various politicians running for the Presidency. In addition, we collectively decided which candidates we hate.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” officially recommend that you, dear reader, not vote for the fellow who shares Jay Leno’s good looks, Sam the Eagle’s genial comportment, and a curious inability to move his forehead.

We also suggest that you not cast a ballot for that one-eyed borderline megalomaniac who is ineluctably nattering on about how great the world would be if it weren’t for the great evils known as “businesses.”

In addition, we do not suggest you vote for any other third-party candidates—whether they be a creepy libertarian, whose life-long wish is to starve little children, or the representative from the Christian Falangist Party. The fellow from the American Burqa Party seems pretty good to us, but we're not sure about him either.

Now that we have cleared this up, dear reader, we can move on to the topic of today’s edition of our humble “weblog”: Voting. It seems as if this year everyone in America is compelling you to vote. Nary a mildly retarded rock-n-roll “musician” or “rap artist” fails to weigh in on the crucial import of heading to the polls.

As far as we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are concerned, these people are far too pushy. Why is it that so few people are bothered by adultery, thievery, and kindred peccadilloes, but are deeply upset about a fellow citizen’s lack of desire to vote? Which is worse: Cuckolding your spouse or staying home on November 2? Are we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” the only people who would vote for the former?

These days, dear reader, it seems so. Now, diligent readers of our humble “weblog” will note that we have dilated on this subject before. To be more specific, we took issue with the degenerate cable station MTV for its pathetic “Rock the Vote” campaign.

Frankly, we thought that one post on this subject would have been enough. But no: In the last few weeks, everyone from Sean “P. I-Never-Voted-For-Diddily” Combs to Lambchop has somberly informed you of the import of voting. And we thought that the mastermind behind Lambchop was dead.

So, dear reader, at the risk of repeating ourselves, we shall repeat what to us is mind-numbingly obvious: Vote if you want to do so; if not, don’t.

It’s not that we here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” are a passel of dirty hippies who believe that anyone can do whatever he wants. Dude. But we just can’t stand morons exhorting pinheads to vote.

Many might say that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are attempting to disenfranchise the poor, who are less likely to head to the voting booths than others. Or, perhaps, they are blathering on about our desire to disenfranchise the young, who are too lazy to head to the poles.

To which we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” respond: Not so, not so. We just hope that we restrain most idiots from voting.

Posted at November 2, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack