November 16, 2004

Introducing Lefto, the Amazing Left-Wing

Introducing Lefto, the Amazing Left-Wing Mind-Reader

Ladies and Gentlemen, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have a special treat for you today. In fact, this edition of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” is even superior to the preternaturally high quality material we normally feature on our humble “weblog.”

And why, you may be asking yourself, is today’s installment such a gift? We thought that you might ask. Well, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are proud as peacocks to present an impressive guest. His name is Lefto, and he is one of the world’s preeminent left-wing mind-readers.

We suppose, dear reader, that you are wondering what a left-wing mind-reader does. Naturally, you have discerned that this character reads minds, and that he probably agrees with the political views of, say, Cornel West. But what is the stuff that makes a left-wing mind-reader? Sans the afro.

Well, dear reader, wonder no more. Without much in the way of further ado, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are content to offer you Lefto. In order to showcase his impressive talents (his sixth sense is so keen that it is worth six votes in the electoral college), we have provided some quotations below; Lefto will analyze these quotations, and offer the true rationale behind the statements.

Lefto, the Amazing Left-Wing Mind-Reader, Intuits the Hidden Meaning Behind Quotations:

Quotation the First:

If one allows the infidels to continue playing their role of corrupters of the Earth, their eventual moral punishment will be all the stronger. Thus, if we kill the infidels in order to put a stop to their activities, we have indeed done them a service….War is a blessing for the world and for every nation. It is Allah himself who commands men to wage war and kill.
--Ayatollah Khomeini

Lefto’s Mind-Reading:

The late Ayatollah here demonstrates his typical concern for economic inequality. As anyone schooled in left-wing mind-reading can tell, the Ayatollah merely desires the United States to implement a more progressive tax policy, and to offer socialized health care. If the West does so, the Ayatollah clearly would have no longer supported any kind of military action against non-Muslims. For this, of course, would be intolerant, and the Ayatollah was most assuredly a beacon of tolerance.

Quotation the Second:

America is now controlled by the Jews, completely, as are its news, its elections, its economy, and its politics. It uses Israel to attack its neighbors and to slaughter those who are living peacefully there….If we are a nation of martyrs—as we claim—all that we need is courage of heart and the will of killers and the belief in what we claim be love of death for Allah’s sake.
--Ayman al-Zawahiri

Lefto’s Mind-Reading:

The distinguished Mr. al-Zawahiri is clearly concerned about the contracts that the American government has bestowed upon Haliburton. In addition, he is troubled by Israel’s military response to such “militant” groups as Hamas and the Palestinian Islamic Jihad. After all, Mr. al-Zawahiri is obviously a firm supporter of a two-state solution. In addition, like the Ayatollah, Mr. al-Zawahiri is gravely upset by the economic inequality he can detect in the Western world. Oh, and one more thing: He doesn’t hate Jews. He would gladly welcome one into his neighborhood, and would be delighted to dine with one if his precious, virginal daughter took one home to dinner.

Quotation the Third:

The first thing that we have to make clear is that no distinction must be made between the Jew and the Israeli….The Jew is a Jew, through the spurning all moral values, devouring the living and drinking his blood for the sake of a few coins.
--Dr. Lufti Abd al-Azim

Lefto’s Mind-Reading:

One does not need a Ph.D. to realize that the Good Doctor is here troubled by the current Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Just like Mr. al-Zawahiri, Dr. Abd al-Azim is a staunch supporter of a two-state solution. Obviously, if the United States were more “evenhanded” in its approach to the Middle East, the Good Doctor would blithely live in peace with his blood-sucking, immoral infidel neighbors, whom he only in jest referred to as “devouring the living.” As a result, Dr. Abd al-Azim’s reasonable criticisms underscore the insanity of the current policy of the United States toward Israel. Dr. Abd al-Azim desperately yearns to hug a Jew, but mean old America simply won’t let him.

So, dear reader, there you have it: The eerily insightful mind-reading of the Amazing Lefto. Just how does he do it? Well, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” don’t want to spoil the magic, but we have a hunch that the first step to left-wing mind-reading is utterly ignoring the quotation itself.

Posted at November 16, 2004 12:01 AM | TrackBack