November 30, 2004

Quick Hits, or Two-for-the-Price-of-One Recently,

Quick Hits, or Two-for-the-Price-of-One

Recently, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have become at least mildly irked by a handful of irritating characters. These folks—obnoxious as they are—didn’t strike us as individually worthy of an entire edition of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” devoted to their excoriation.

And this, dear reader, established a problem: We clearly wanted to tear into these chuckleheads, but we weren’t prepared to waste a full day’s post on them. To waste so much time and energy on idiots of their ilk was simply foolish.

For a good deal of time, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” didn’t know what to do. And then it collectively struck us: Why not devote a few humble posts to their collective demolition? That way, we can kill a few birds with a smaller number of stones (so to say), and offer our readers a veritable extravaganza of contumely.

As a result, dear reader, we are pleased as peaches to present the following truncated rants:

Andie MacDowell:

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have always thought about the craft of acting much as the Romans did: It is an occupation fit for a slave. But the vapid Andie MacDowell sinks to such inscrutable levels of talentlessness that one is simply left dumfounded.

What can one say about Ms. MacDowell? She makes the fellow who played the Hamburglar in those McDonald’s commercials seem like Sir Lawrence Olivier. She should compel Roddy MacDowell to change his last name, just in case some believe that he sired such ungifted progeny.

If Ms. MacDowell’s appearance in “Green Card” with Gerard Depardieu wasn’t a sign of the apocalypse, we don’t know what is.

Joel Siegel:

Continuing with our filmic theme, we would like to comment on Joel Siegel, the yes-man-cum-movie-reviewer for the feculent television program “Good Morning America.” Mr. Siegel seems to be about as discriminating in his reviews as Wilt Chamberlain was with the ladies.

As a result, Mr. Siegel’s bromidic blurbs grace the advertisements of umpteen horrid films. Upon the terribly rare occasion that Ebert and Roper don’t like a movie, one can always count on Mr. Siegel to come up to bat with a ridiculous complement. This guy would say something nice about “Joe Dirt,” for crying out loud!

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have thus established a foolproof system for choosing movies: Any flick that Joel Siegel has lauded gets a pass. So far it’s worked for us.

Posted at November 30, 2004 01:01 AM | TrackBack