New Year’s Resolutions Well, dear

New Year’s Resolutions

Over the course of the coming year, the entire staff here at “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” aims to live up to these resolutions. Naturally, these are, if you will, professional resolutions; they should not stop staff members from making their own private resolutions. For instance, some of the male members of the staff may put a halt to their extra-marital philandering, and some of the female members of the staff may put a halt to their marital philandering. That sort of thing.

Anyway, without further ado, we the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are proud as punch to present:

The Official Crack Young Staff New Year’s Resolutions

1. Stop Making Fun of New Age Music

A while back, we had endless fun at the expense of New Age charlatan Enya. And frankly, dear reader, we feel really bad about it. As a result, we aim never to offer cheap jokes at the expense of New Age music. Jokes such as: Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? A: New Age music.

2. Disregard Michael Moore’s Shenanigans

Nothing could be easier than some yuks at Michael Moore’s expense. After all, he’s a Marxist—until the Krispy Kreme doughnuts arrive. As a result, we feel as if nasty taunts at his expense are simply too easy. And, as such, we aim to eliminate them from our already limited repertoire. This will prove hard, since Michael Moore is very fat. But we shall do our best.

3. Leave Sullywatch Alone

Regular readers of our humble “weblog” probably realize that we have had a long-running feud with Mr. Sullywatch, the dimwitted fellow who runs a “weblog” devoted to inept trashing of Andrew Sullivan. Over the past few months, dear reader, we have excoriated this fool at length. Well, no longer.
We have decided that dueling with him is much like jousting with a retarded fellow: It makes everyone involved look bad. And it probably hurts the mentally-challenged guy.

4. Stop Taking Shots at the Weaker Sex in an Obvious Attempt To Vent Frustration

The female members of the crack young staff—who make up almost 47 percent of the team—have become entirely revolted by our incessant jibes at the expense of women. Sure, they say, women aren’t that smart. And, certainly, they are duplicitous and conniving. But this is no reason to blast them at every opportunity. Why, doing so simply makes the crack young staff seem like a bunch of misogynists. Although we hate to admit it, we, the male members of the crack young staff, had to admit they had a point. These barefoot and pregnant ladies are smarter than we thought. Perhaps we’ll let them out of the kitchen for a while. Nah.

Anyway, dear reader, these are our humble New Year’s resolutions. We shall have a wonderful time in the months to come failing to live up to them.