March 08, 2005

Needed: New Conspiracy Theories As

Needed: New Conspiracy Theories

As pretty much every sentient citizen of these here United States of America knows, the presidential election has come and gone, and it will be some time before another approaches. Accordingly, the losers of the last election—that is to say, our Democratic friends—have much time to reflect on their failed attempt to capture the White House.

The election of Howard Dean to the chairmanship of the Democratic National Committee, naturally, demonstrates that our Democratic friends are interested in revitalizing their party. Or, failing that, blaming everything from toxic waste to lint on the Republicans.

After all, as Dr. Dean would tell you, the Democrats are the party of tolerance—and they detest the inbred, slack-jawed bigots who disagree with them.

We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” figured that the mainstream of the Democratic Party is already well on its way to reshaping its image. Yet what are our friends on the lunatic fringe to do with themselves? They’ve got another three years until we are in an election cycle again, and their “Bush Lied, People Died” chants are growing a little stale.

That’s where we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” come in. We don’t want our pals on the radical Left—the kinds of folks who think Dick Gephardt is a Jewish conspiracy—to be mired in repeating the same old canards. After all, who doesn’t know that the liberation of Iraq was a disgraceful attempt to enrich the fat-cats at Halliburton? That kind of complaint is so last year.

Accordingly, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have decided to invent our own newfangled left-wing conspiracy theories. Our friends at International A.N.S.W.E.R. and their epigones can add these to their list of paranoid delusions, and thus clog C-Span 2 with even more arrant piffle.

Perhaps we can come up with a sufficient number of loony conspiracy theories to make a set of “loony conspiracy theory” trading cards. That way, likeminded hemp-clad Bush-bashers can collect the whole set.

Without further ado, then, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are content to present:

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Newfangled Conspiracy Theories for Our Friends on the Radical Left

1. Maureen Dowd is actually a conservative shill. The reason her columns are so atrocious is that she is a closet Rick Santorum supporter. Think about it: Who has converted more readers to conservatism—William Saffire or Maureen Dowd?

2. The United States government has supported torture well before 9/11. After all, John Tesh concerts have been a mainstay on Public Television for years.

3. The Israeli Mossad (as opposed to the Pakistani Mossad, we suppose) has planted a chip in the heads of 3 out of 4 Lebanese citizens. Accordingly, their desire to kick the Syrians out of their country is merely a Zionist plot.

4. Not only was the Iraq War all about oil, the tsunami was all about oil too.

5. Thanks to the Republicans, by the year 2047, there’ll be no Sweden.

6. Michael Scheuer, the previously anonymous author of Imperial Hubris, isn’t an idiot. In fact, he’s a perfect example of the CIA’s “best and brightest.”

7. The mainstream media are unfairly tarnishing innocent Michael Jackson, in a heinous plot to spread AIDS around the world.

8. The State Department is currently establishing vegan internment camps.

Posted at March 8, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack