March 24, 2005

Lots To Fear

Lots To Fear

A few days ago, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” opened up our mail bin to find a small package sent to us from one of our sundry regional correspondents. Since we hadn’t received such a bundle in some time, we were naturally elated. (That is to say, we didn’t need any recreational drugs for our elation.)

Imagine how blissfully blithe we were when we found out that said package contained the February 2005 issue of the freebee publication “The Village Idiot.”

What’s that you say, dear reader? You’ve never heard of “The Village Idiot”? Given its catchy slogan “When You’re Looking for Something To Do…Pick Up An Idiot,” we find it hard to believe that word of mouth has been traveling so slowly.

Allow us to introduce this delightful rag to you. “The Village Idiot,” like all freebee publications found at the local Revolution Books, offers a variety of radical boilerplate and ‘phone sex advertisement for the discriminating reader. The discriminating reader, that is to say, who doesn’t have the requisite $2.95 for a copy of The Nation.

Anyway, for those of you benighted enough to have missed all 14 issues of “The Village Idiot,” we shall offer a bit of a preview of the publication in question. Unfortunately, the editorial geniuses behind this brilliant magazine do not appear to have come up with a World-Wide Web version. So, if you can’t wend your way to your neighborhood food co-op(t), you may just miss out on “The Village Idiot’s” delights.

On page four of the February number, for instance, one can find a subtle poem entitled “I Fear Religion.” Penned by the cleverly named A.N. Onimus, it sits directly above William Shakespeare’s Sonnet CXLVII (as our Roman friends would put it).

We don’t want to laud the poetic skills of A.N. Onimus to a ridiculous degree, but we think that “I Fear Religion” looks pretty good sitting atop one of Mr. Shakespeare’s ditties.

And, unlike with that Shakespeare fellow, you can be pretty sure that A.N. Onimus’ poem was actually written by A.N. Onimus.

The poem reads as follows:

I Fear Religion by A.N. Onimus

I fear religion.
I fear religion when it takes over a person’s sanity.
I fear religion when it is taken to extreme.
I fear religion when people use it to hid behind.
I fear religion when those use it to justify their actions.
I fear religion when people are pro-life and pro-war.
I fear religion when it is pushed upon us.
I fear religion when those who are in charge are radicals.
I fear religion when the news and reporters can’t see through it.
I fear religion when people are dying because of it.
I fear religion when it has been written by a man.
I fear religion when it is not the person’s core but exterior.
I fear for the religious persecutions from the extreme
insane radicals that hide behind and justify their actions
by pushing their views upon all of us which cause people
to die.
I fear imprisonment because of my views.
I fear those that believe they are the saviors.
I fear religion could ruin the world.
I fear the religious wrong.

We know what you are thinking, dear reader: That’s darn good stuff. But it wasn’t sufficiently repetitive. Not for our tastes, at least. Not for our tastes, at least.

Poor A.N. Onimus, though: (S)he’s got so much to fear.

Perhaps A.N. Onimus would feel more content if (s)he realized that there was no reason to fear that (s)he is a world-class poet.

Regardless, we must note that the oeuvre of A.N. Onimus—such as it is—has inspired us to write our own piece of doggerel. We call it “We Fear Bad Poetry.”

We Fear Bad Poetry by The Crack Young Staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”

We fear bad poetry.
We fear bad poetry when a dunce composes it.
We fear bad poetry when said dunce thinks (s)he is deep.
We fear bad poetry when it contains nothing but shopworn clichés.
We do not fear imprisonment because of our views.
We do not fear that religion could ruin the world.
But, darn, do we ever fear bad poetry.

Posted at March 24, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack