April 14, 2005

Announcing the Second Annual “Hatemonger’s

Announcing the Second Annual “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Horrible College-Student Poetry Competition

If we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” love anything, it’s horrid poems penned by moronic college students. To the connoisseur of cant, collegiate balladry offers a smorgasbord of delights: Tin-eared ineptness; mindless self-puffery; ghastly political clichés; &c.

As a result, dear reader, it is with great anticipation that we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” announce our Official Second Annual “Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Horrible College-Student Poetry Competition. We are officially calling upon you to offer up the most gut-wrenching imitation of disastrous college doggerel.

Devotees of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” will undoubtedly recall that last year’s contest winner was the esteemed Michael E. Lopez, Esq., whose feculent ditty, “believing the me i’m told,” was a minor masterpiece of satire. Given how competitive last year’s contest proved, we are certain that the second installment of the competition, like Kirstie Allie, will be hot and heavy.

Perhaps, dear reader, you don’t know what kind of obnoxious pseudo-poetic drivel we are hoping to receive from our Official Contest Entrants. Maybe we should offer a couple of tips.

Naturally, dear reader, fundamental grammatical flaws are a must. Today’s college students may claim they know everything, but they think a semi-colon is a fancier quotation mark. In addition, the poem should convey an irksome all-knowing tone. After all, these kids are 19 years old, and they understand the ways of the world far better than their elders.

Perhaps a humble example is in order? We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” are not poetasters ourselves, but we’ll give it a shot. In our announcement of last year’s contest, we contributed a ditty called “We Are All Saddam.”

Continuing with this Middle-East theme, we decided to offer the following verse:

Its [sic] Really Halliburton by the Crack Young Staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly”

They say its [sic] “democracy”
They say its [sic] “freedom”
When its [sic] really Halliburton.

If you, Evil Bush, care so much about “democracy,”
Why don’t you feed the poor?
If you, Evil Chaney [sic], care so much about “freedom,”
Why don’t you offer socialized health care?

Because it’s really Halliburton.

Orange-stained fingers don’t fool me.
They don’t mean “democracy.”
They dont [sic] mean “freedom.”
They mean Cheetos.
Because it’s really Halliburton.

It’s not so wonderful, but we think you can get a sense of the brand of piffle we hope to receive.

As such, we can now offer up the Official Contest Rules: Entries must be submitted by 5:00 pm EST May 1st, 2005. Contestants need not be college students. Contestants need not detest college students, but it will probably help. Meter, coherence, assonance, and displays of real talent are to be avoided.

All submissions will be read by our Official Contest Judge, Anonymous. He’s one of the few poets who has a more impressive resume than Randall Jarrell, and whose poetry is more popular than Jewel’s. In addition to being one of the world’s most prolific and long-lived poets, he was a dynamite judge for last year’s competition.

So, dear reader, wait for the Wretched College-Student Muses to inspire you, and send in your poem by clicking the “Contact Us” link at the top right-hand corner of your computer screen.

Allow your inner W.H. Auden to let loose and create. Or at least let him out: It probably isn’t comfortable for your inner W.H. Auden to sit trapped inside your body like that.

Posted at April 14, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack