June 01, 2005

The Crack Young Staff: Prophets

The Crack Young Staff: Prophets of the Ages

As everyone living in so-called Western so-called civilization knows, dear reader, members of the so-called Western so-called media are always nattering on about the likelihood that Al Gore’s World-Wide Web will utterly revolutionize the way people take in the news. As far as we can tell, pretty much every pundit is blithely prognosticating about the cataclysmic changes that will drastically alter the future of the news media.

In fact, dear reader, critic Terry Teachout’s column in the most recent number of Commentary discusses this very issue at great length. Some day soon, Mr. Teachout opines, newspapers will no longer be with us; the Internet will destroy them all. Just as the purple decade served as the anni mirabiles of the Weathermen, these are the years of the “weblogger.”

Perhaps, dear reader, this is all true. But, quite frankly, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” can’t stomach all this portentous prophesying. To make matters more aggravating, no one in the media offers a different take on the future of the news.

That is to say, until now. Fed up with all this bathetic forecasting, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” have decided to offer our soothsaying counterpoise, if you will.

In fact, today’s humble post, which we have humbly entitled “The Crack Young Staff: Prophets of the Ages,” is devoted to presenting our own humble prognostications. And, unlike those sissy pseudo-clairvoyants, we aim to make deliciously bold predictions. None of this “The Internet Is Going to Change Everything” garbage for us.

Without too much in the way of further ado, then, we are pleased as pliable priests to present:

“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Cockamamie Predictions:

1. The Internet will in no way affect the future of American news media. In fact, for the rest of eternity, Americans will consume their news in precisely the same manner they did in 1957. Accordingly, the Saturday Evening Post will become very big again.

2. All movies that feature assorted bloopers whilst showing their credits will continue to suck. No such film will ever match the cinematic brilliance of Cannonball Run II.

3. Michael Moore will continue to struggle with a weight problem.

4. In a few decades, Dick Clark will actually begin to look older than he did in 1953.

5. Gray Honda Civics will become so popular that dealers will be compelled merely to ration them out to the populace.

6. Oliver Stone will be arrested.

7. The crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” will churn out more uninspired posts like this one.

Posted at June 1, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack