June 27, 2005

Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise

Alright, alright, alright. We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” pride ourselves on offering an interesting assortment of subjects for our humble excoriations. We like to think of ourselves as bullies who are ahead of our time; we have very little interest in hectoring an obvious target of obloquy.

Accordingly, dear reader, the topic for today’s humble demolition—Tom Cruise—is a bit pathetic. As any literate stroller of Al Gore’s World-Wide Web must know by now, Mr. Cruise has recently earned a lofty place on the venerable Hated Scale. After all, anyone so noxious that he makes us feel pity for Brooke Shields must be simply execrable.

Before you start chastising us for our lack of e-originality, dear reader, let us solemnly inform you that we have detested Tom Cruise far before it was fashionable to disesteem him. Indeed, years before Mr. Cruise jumped on his first couch, we collectively despised the fellow.

In fact, we have loathed him for so long that it is difficult to recall when our blistering enmity began. Surely we hated him when the Top Gun remake in cars called Days of Thunder appeared on the silver screen. And surely we hated him when rumors first circulated that he was a closet homosexual.

Indeed, we collectively despised him when we first caught a glimpse of him in Risky Business, dancing to a feculent rock-n-roll tune, and demonstrating to the world that he is hung like a light-switch.

Ah, yes: As our ancestors used to say, we have abhorred Tom Cruise for many moons.

And yet, dear reader, Mr. Cruise’s latest antics bother us even more than his usual diminutive-unibrow-homosexual shenanigans. When you make Matt Lauer seem classy, you’re officially irksome.

First, dear reader, let us not forget Mr. Cruise’s caterwauling against the evils of psychiatry. To be honest, we’ve long had the impression that certain behavioral drugs have been passed out to kiddies a little too liberally.

And yet, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” sincerely doubt that Mr. Cruise, despite his abominably low IQ, has read all of the relevant “studies,” and hence knows for a fact that psychology is nothing but quackery.

We mean, come on: Is this dimwitted thespian actually attempting to persuade us that Sigmund Freud had it all wrong, and L. Ron Hubbard has it all right? At least L. Ron Hubbard is still writing books, although he’s been dead for decades. We hope to be equally resourceful in our post-mortem years.

As if Mr. Cruise’s “I’m a Smug Scientologist Nutter” routine weren’t irritating enough, there’s the matter of his adolescent glorying in the talentless Katie Holmes. If Tom Cruise is so dead-set on the genius of the deceased L. Ron Hubbard, we think he ought not to date a gal like Katie Holmes.

After all, Katie Holmes is so, in a word, living. Why doesn’t he try John Holmes? Now that ought to get him jumping up and down on a few more couches.

Posted at June 27, 2005 12:01 PM | TrackBack