August 18, 2005
Cool Rules for School Okay,
Cool Rules for School
Okay, cats and kittens, the school year will soon be upon us. And, as we mentioned recently, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” aim to make your transition back to the spotless halls of academe as painless as possible.As such, dear reader, we shall be offering a clever assortment of university-related “posts” in the weeks to come. We’ll discuss everything the modern American college has to offer—neo-Marxist professors, feminist neo-Marxist professors, anti-capitalist feminist professors, radical lesbian neo-Marxist professors, et al.
In today’s humble installment of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” however, we are presenting our Official Cool Rules for School Quiz. These proffer the kinds of guidelines you need to fit in at your local establishment devoted to higher learning.
The first thing the college student must know, of course, is that the phrase “local establishment devoted to higher learning” is way, way uncool. Only total dorks would use such a lame locution. In fact, we wouldn’t listen to a word such uncool dorks say. Totally. To the max. For sure.
Well, now that we’ve got that out of the way, we can move on to our Official Cool Rules for School Quiz. With your number two-and-a-half pencil in hand, take the following little examination, which will help you determine how hip you are. (Or, if you prefer it this way, how un-hip you are. Perhaps you are so un-hip that your butt’s about to fall off.)
“The Hatemonger’s Quarterly” Official Cool Rules for School Quiz
1. Are you Chinese?
2. Do you own a windbreaker? Do you wear it?
3. Do you like Herb Alpert, but find his music a bit too hard-edged?
4. Do you collect Marie-Kate and Ashley paraphernalia? How about Joey Stamos gear?
5. Do you never bathe?
6. Are you Korean?
7. Do you say things such as “My cleric is alignment neutral”?
8. Do you drive a Dodge Dart?
9. Are you Chinese?
Alrighty, dear reader, let’s see how you did. If you answered “Yes” to any of the above questions, you are officially cool for school. If you answered “No” to all of the above (which is, quite frankly, the only other possibility), then, alas, you are not.
Those of you who have failed this humble quiz are undoubtedly asking yourselves: How did I do so poorly? How can I become sufficiently cool for school?
The answer to that fine query is the following: Buy a windbreaker. Everyone is wearing one of them.
