August 22, 2005

Dear Fiji: Come Join Our

Dear Fiji: Come Join Our Fiasco

A little while ago, dear reader, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” groused about the low quality missives that besmirch The New York Time’s editorial page each day. Well, perhaps that’s a bit of an overstatement: Can you really besmirch a Paul Krugman column? We collectively think not.

Alas, dear reader, we must report that our violent reactions to the Gray Lady’s wretched epistles continue apace. We know, we know: Why must we read the Times if it proves so rebarbative?

Frankly, we can’t help ourselves. Some people are child molesters. Others are kleptomaniacs. And we are inveterate Times readers. Who’s to say which is the most destructive vice?

In the August 18 number of the All the News That Prints to Fit, we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” happened upon a particularly pathetic letter to the editor, which we reprint below:

To the Editor:

Bob Herbert is right (“No End in Sight in Iraq,” column, Aug. 11). We need a serious national conversation about exiting from Iraq.

First, we need to face reality: no good option exists. The American-led occupation is the main cause of the insurgency, not the cure. Yet an abrupt pullout could lead to even more chaos. The last best hope lies in “internationalizing” the peacekeeping forces until Iraq can take over on its own.

Those who object to this path as unrealistic need to explain how we can better extricate ourselves from the biggest American policy disaster since Vietnam.

George Husinger

Mr. Husinger, the Times helpfully informs us, is “a professor of theology at Princeton.” Well, that’s nice to know.

Yet still, dear reader, we would like to offer our humble assessment of Mr. Husinger’s intelligence, as demonstrated by his letter. As far as we can determine—and we aren’t professionals, by any means—Mr. Husinger is a complete moron. In fact, we collectively wondered how this chucklehead managed to type his little missive in the first place. He’s that stupid.

And we thought Princeton was dumb for re-hiring Cornel West, the Buckwheat of American higher education! But Mr. Husinger makes Mr. West look like Albert Einstein—with even worse hair.

Just why do we believe that Mr. Husinger is, for lack of a better word, a drooling dunce? After all, he does admit that “an abrupt pullout could lead to even more chaos.” Sure: Had Mr. Husinger’s father agreed to “an abrupt pullout,” Princeton would be bereft of one sub-par theology professor. But, as far as the crazy Left goes, noting the disaster that leaving Iraq would bring is a step in the right direction.

Naturally, dear reader, it’s this lame-brain’s quixotic regard for “‘internationalizing’ the peacekeeping forces” that makes him a complete dullard. Never mind the fact that the USA is not the only country in Iraq right now. Just imagine Mr. Husinger’s clarion call to the cavalry:

“Hey there, Fiji. We’re in the midst of the biggest American policy disaster since Vietnam. Care to add a couple of soldiers to the mix?”

Sure, that’ll go over well. You complete nincompoop.

As Mr. Husinger and his fellow Neville Chamberlains seem not to notice, asking for the aid of a few Uruguayan foot soldiers will not fix anything. Sure, it may add a more multicultural flavor to the death toll. Although multiculturalism is all the rage at Princeton, Mr. Husinger, it ain’t worth that much here.

We think that Mr. Husinger’s letter should serve as a warning: Any epistle that begins with the phrase “Bob Herbert is right” will invariably be a piece of twaddle.

Posted at August 22, 2005 12:01 AM | TrackBack