October 03, 2005
This Date in History (According
This Date in History (According to a College Sophomore)
As part of the United States of America’s unflagging culture wars, experts have been arguing for decades about the problems plaguing this country’s education system. To those infatuated with the student self-esteem, the fact that the average high school kid can’t add two plus two doesn’t mean anything—provided he thinks he can do so, and feels great about himself.We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” find ourselves resolutely opposed to the machinations of the self-esteemers. As far as we’re concerned, school children shouldn’t have a great sense of self-worth; after all, they’re stupid.
Some may think that we are overdoing things, being a mite hyperbolic. Sure, they’d say, many American pupils are in fact dumb, but that doesn’t mean they all are. Furthermore, they can’t be that imbecilic.
As American students would say—if they knew any French—au contraire. It appears as if a steady diet of semi-pornographic video games and MTV doesn’t do wondrous things for your intellect. Odd, isn’t it?
In today’s humble “post,” we, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” aim to prove our humble point. In short, we shall demonstrate beyond a shadow of a doubt that American students are more moronic than a Cheech & Chong movie. They make a Journey reunion concert seem smart. To put it in the form of an analogy, they are to smart what Steven Hawking is to mobility.
To this end, we have asked a strapping young American college sophomore named Ted Pendergast to present a short essay on this very “website.” Through consultation with Ted, we have compelled him to contribute a product of his scholarly work intriguingly entitled “October 3rd: This Date in History.”
Ted, a fraternity boy at Pennsylvania State University, has assured us that he would spend the better part of the week preparing this essay. We reproduce his impressive lucubration below:
October 3rd: This Date in History by Ted Pendergast, Sophomore at Pennsylvania State University and Product of American Public Schools
Okay, first off, I totally have to apologize for putting less time into this thing than I had originally planned. I wish I had a good excuse, but I really don’t. I just totally spaced. Basically. To be honest, I didn’t even get a chance to study. So I’m gonna have to wing it. Also, I’m a bit hung over from last night, if you know what I mean. Nothing beats Milwaukee’s Beast, baby.
Alright. So, what date am I doing? October 3rd? Okay. Here goes.
October 3rd is like a totally cool day in world history. In the 1500s the Romans beat up on the Chinese in a big battle on October 3rd, leading to the creation of the Great Wall of China. Have you seen that thing, dude? It’s totally sweet. I hear you can even see it from space. My brother went there once.
Also, on October 3rd, 1845 World War I broke out. As everyone knows, it was all the Nazis’ fault. The 3rd of October in 1892 saw the invention of the television. Before that time, people actually had to read.
On a lighter note, on this same date in 1973, Elizabeth Taylor was born. Man, is she old. And to think, people used to call her pretty. I totally wouldn’t do her. Not at all.
We collectively rest our case.
